lisa_muse_3

Help!


HELP: my brain is on fire and I’m too tired to put it out.

A small glimpse into the occasional panic that sweeps across the long-term travellers mind: and how we (I) cope.

I’m so very tired. I can’t sleep. I wake up in the early hours and my mind just wont switch off. I try to do the ‘square breathing’…relax. I try every trick I know but I still can’t sleep.

I worry. I worry about everything.

Not having done enough! Having a few days off from riding but still not having achieved anything.

No book as yet. Lots of ideas but unable to get them down. Unable to get them out onto paper (or screen these days).

I feel totally out of control. When Im on the road the only things on my mind are where we will be heading – what food to pick up – how to control that day. These days stationary looking at what we have to do, that long list, I feel I have absolutely no control over anything.

I worry about money. Who doesn’t? I dread looking at our finances. How will we cope?

I hear you all shout-Go ‘home’ get a job! No home to return to. Can’t start again in the UK: Too old. In my mind to return will make the last 13 years pointless. I don’t want to return ……but what to do and where to do it.

Don’t want to stop riding but you can’t get away with just riding these days.

Oh to have some help. A ghost writer. A publisher. An agent. A promoter. A designer. A mechanic! At least the new bikes need much less attention which makes it easier on us both- mainly Simon as he’s the mechanic.

Overwhelming fear. What have we got done? The website…our journal isn’t being updated as much as it should. We have to keep it up to date.

Design – write – plan travel -presentations. Call to book them. Who to call- must get that list done. Internet crappy. The question of ‘will anyone want to book us?’ runs through my brain at 3am in the morning-the time when molehills become mountains.

I look at my watch its 4am. Overwhelming out of control of everything.

Want to get back on the road; but too much to do. Feel it’s impossible to try to get everything done so it feels like in the end we get nothing done.

So tired. Got so much stuff going on in my head. Need to get it out onto paper – but when it comes to it I cant – its not there. At 2, 3, 4 am. I’ve tried writing it all down but later on in I look at the sentences I scribbled in those early hours and they make no sense – it did at the time I wrote them!

Need to get fit – to ride – but too tired. Body aches. Legs bad. Neck terrible. Hip hurts. Feet are killing me and my hands. Every day aching -hurting – in pain. Should do more exercise. But body hurts – bones ache. Joints sore.

Got a calendar in my head – time flies. Need to move on but can’t really afford to, but need to.

It’s so hard to keep up with everything: Too much social media. But if you don’t do it people forget and we need people to remember – to notice – as that’s where our sales will come from. That’s how to get people to want to sponsor/advertise/book us.

Everyone has a book out it seems. Ride around your back garden – lets write a book about it! These days it seems to be all “Have a fan page showing how to do it – a DVD of how many times you fell off and how hard and bad-ass your ride was. Look at me. Look at me”. Its too much. Its so different to when we started in 2003.

Have we got enough small ‘vlogs’ . We need an other. Videos for YouTube take ages. Not enough hours in the day. We constantly asked ‘Where’s our book. Our DVD’? Its only us. Not enough time to do it all.

I’m writing but its hard when you’re still on the road: Still need to ride. Where are you now? What are you doing? Where are you heading this year? How can I do what you do?

Now that’s the question! Here’s how…..

Work fucking hard before the trip, during the trip and everything in between.

So stressed. A ton of earth weighing me down. Feel out on a limb with no control.

The mornings here! I get on my bike…the sun is shining, there’s a slight breeze, I look out across the mountains, that’s where we will go today I decide. I have no home, no savings, no pension but I’m free. Free of the confines of the modern world because I choose to be. I’m on my bike, I breath a sigh of relief and all is now right with the world.

 

Apr 17, 2016
Updated: April 17, 2016